adulting is hard. am I ready?
Adulthood is hard. I woke up sick today. Having a bad throat and high temperature, I told myself that I’d take the day off. The other side of me said, “My company will cut $50 from my salary. No, I can’t do this.” In that moment, I realized two things:
- The value of money and time.
- Why my Baba didn’t take any leave even when he was sick, and my Maa never took a day off even when she had cramps and back pain.
Looking at them, I realize how many sacrifices they’ve made for me… to get me to the place where I am today! But sometimes, I doubt myself. I doubt if everything that has been given by my people, the people who love me, is worth it or not. My friends like to call me a very insecure overachiever. Whatever I’ve done over the last six months doesn’t feel like it’s adding up in my work. Everything feels pale to me now. Maybe that’s the start of adulthood. The child inside me is dying, and I’ve no clue how to save it. It’s not a sad feeling or a dull one. It is just… life, I guess. You have a childhood, a teenhood, and now adulthood, where you’ve the responsibilities of your family, your career, whatever. The older you get, the more society and your family want you to be responsible. That’s how life is and will be over the course of the next 10 to 15 years.
But I’ve noticed a few changes in myself over the past year. I’m appreciating the small things in life. A walk in the sunlight, a gym session, a compliment from a girl, a purr from Smokey. These little things... they make my day.
I’m privileged. More than my friend whose father passed away during our 10th exam, more than my friend who’s still figuring out how to get his family out of the chawls of Kurla. I’m not taking it for granted. Not a single thing that has been given to me by my parents. And I’ll work my ass off even on the sick days. I’ll do it for them, I’ll do it for my friends. I’ll still go to the office tomorrow, just like my Baba did for me. It’s my time to step up and take responsibility for my family… and take that burden off my Baba’s shoulders. No one’s gonna carry the boats, anon, but us.
I’ve always had simple dreams. Getting into a top 50 university in the world, learning new stuff, impressing my crush. Getting a camera to film my life so that my kids could see their father growing. Writing letters to Aai from every country I visit. Nothing big. Nothing complicated. One of them being retiring my parents before they turn 59 and, to be honest, it’s the toughest one when you live in a country like Singapore. I’ve only got four years and I’m nowhere close to it.